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Patrick J. Smith asked:




So you're a man who has cheated on your girlfriend, she left you, and you want to get her back. By now, you should have ended the affair and cut your ex-lover out of your life completely. You have sincerely apologized to your ex-girlfriend, and she is willing to give you a second chance.

You've hurt her, badly. Cheating on her was a betrayal of her trust, a blow to her self-esteem, and a threat to her relationship and her hopes and dreams for the future. Now, to win back her love, you have to pay for your crimes-to "serve your time", so to speak. Words aren't enough-only actions will make up for what you did.

Ask her what you need to do to make up for the affair. Be willing to do whatever it takes to win her back.

To be able to trust you again and to forgive your infidelity, your girlfriend will require you prove again and again that you love her, are committed to the relationship, and are trustworthy. She probably won't come out and say this-may not, in fact, even be aware she's doing it-but this is what is going on. It will take the form of tests, limits, and requirements.

Be Sensitive to Her Suffering

Unlike men, women talk about their feelings-a lot. While recovering from the affair, your girlfriend will probably talk quite a bit about how she feels. She isn't doing this to make you feel guilty or to punish you (well, not intentionally), but rather to vent her emotions, to communicate to you just how much you have angered and hurt her.

Let her talk, listen to her, and be patient. Don't try to defend yourself or shift the blame. Be willing to apologize again and again. Expect tears, and be prepared to comfort her. Remember, she's testing you to see if you're really sorry, really care, and really love her. You should be past the worst of it in a few months, but be prepared to do this repeatedly over the years.

Let Her Keep Tabs on You

The next most common form of penance your girlfriend will require is a limit on your freedom and privacy-after all, you've already abused it once. Your girlfriend will want to know where you are, what you're doing, and who you're with at all times.

Tell her. Let her check up on you. If she wants to see your cell phone's call list and text messages, Instant Message logs, or email account, let her. You've got nothing to hide. Remember, she is checking to see if she can trust you again-so give her all the proof she needs. Eventually, she'll check up on you less and less, and then stop altogether.

Don't Push for Sex

Another common form of penance your girlfriend may require of you is cutting off your access to her body. Sex is about intimacy and pleasure, but also trust-and infidelity is a betrayal of trust.

This is another test. Your girlfriend is nonverbally saying, "Prove to me you really love me, and are not just after sex."

Be patient with her. It will take a while before she trusts and loves enough to sleep with you again. Never demand sex. You can suggest sex, but if she rejects you, don't push the issue. That way, when she finally does chose to make love to you, you'll know that you've taken a huge step toward recovering her trust, rebuilding the love, and being forgiven.

How long should you remain celibate? Several months, at least. If Valentine's Day comes and goes and she still won't have sex with you, you both need to reevaluate if the relationship will ever recover, and what to do if it won't.

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